Wish I Knew
by Sth10
Summary: One shot. In the loneliest place, they each found the only person that could make them whole. In the darkest, coldest nights, they realised the truth. But was it enough to keep them together?


A/N – Let's just pretend Aguirre did hire Jack that second summer, and let's just pretend Ennis did show up. It makes life all sweet and fluffy ;-)

One shot. In the loneliest place, they each found the only person that could make them whole. In the darkest, coldest nights, they realised the truth. But was it enough to keep them together?

**WISH I KNEW**

Wyoming was too similar to Jack Twist and Ennis Del Mar for it to be coincidence that brought the three together. Like the two men, Wyoming was raw, untamed, wild in manners and rough on fools. The perilous mountain ranges could have been the craggy features of Ennis Del Mar's guarded face, yet their stunning beauty spoke of Jack Twist's good looks. Their hearts beat to the same rhythm; the rhythm of the land, the only life they had ever known.

Darkness had fallen and Ennis knew he should be saddling his horse and heading back up to the sheep. But the dancing flames of the fire had hypnotised him as much as Jack's head resting against his shoulder had soothed his frayed nerves. He had no intention of moving. This was his second summer on Brokeback and he wasn't there because he cared about those damn sheep.

"Whatcha thinkin', cowboy?" Jack mumbled.

"Nothin'."

"Jesus, boy, I thought you'd finally teached yersel' how't have a goddam conversation! Now you goin' back to the ol' strong, silent act?"

"Ain't doin' nothin' like," Ennis snorted.

"Then tell me what's goin' on insida that thick skull o' yours."

Ennis slowly turned his head, allowing his gaze to meet Jack's warm eyes, pools of melted chocolate beckoning him into their depths.

"I'm thinkin' summer's damn near over," he said.

He saw a flash of emotion flicker across Jack's face and felt pain tighten his own features.

"I can't hold out 'nother goddam year, rodeo," he whispered. "Don't know what the hell yer got 'bout you but I can't get yer outta ma mind."

"I don't ever wanna be outta your mind, cowboy."

"Yeah, Jack, just you go 'head an' make everythin' a whole lot harder." Ennis shook his head hard, as if trying to dislodge the thoughts. "It weren't never gonna be easy. We knew that. But swear t' god, I never dreamt it'd be this damn hard."

Jack reached out to brush a strand of escaped hair back from his lover's forehead. The gentle touch of his fingers made Ennis close his eyes, appreciate the sensation.

"Y'know what?" Jack said. "I don't care how tough it gets. Way I see it, it be worth it."

"Jesus, Jack." Ennis jerked away sharply. "We're talkin' one whole fuckin' year. How the hell d'you sit there and take it all so light?"

"It don't gotta be that way."

"How the hell you figure that? 'Course it gotta be that way."

Jack looked down at his boots for a moment. When he next spoke, his voice was husky, the words catching against his throat.

"I ain't never felt this way afore, Ennis. Not 'bout nobody. You an' me, it's like…I d'know…it's right. Like it were damn meant to be or some shit. I don't give a fuck what it takes, cowboy, I ain't losin' you."

The rush of words caught Ennis off guard and he was both surprised and angry to feel tears welling in his eyes. He swiped them away harshly, the roughness of his hand painful against his sensitive eyes.

"Ennis." Jack's arms slid around him, his lips pressing against Ennis's neck where his pulse beat quicker. He could feel every contour of Jack's muscular body pressed against his back, could feel the heat of his body and smell the raw muskiness of him. In the past year, he had woken in the middle of the night, convinced that scent was in his nostrils. Convinced that Jack had come back for him.

Ennis turned, grabbing Jack's shirt and pulling him roughly against him. Their mouths crushed together, seeking solace in the hard contact. Jack was gripping his lover as if he never wanted to let him go. Ennis couldn't imagine a moment more damn perfect, and he was about to lose it for twelve unbearable months.

"I don't want you to leave me, cowboy," Jack mumbled against his face. "Last thing I wanna do is wake up in the mornin' and not have you there next to me. But if I gotta deal with it, I can. Y'know why?"

"Why?"

"'Cos I got you right here." Jack took Ennis's hand and pressed it against his own chest, so Ennis could feel the soft beating of his lover's heart. "And as long as you there, I ain't never gonna lose you."

The tears had begun to spill uncontained down Ennis's face. He rested it against Jack's, feeling the wet on the other man's cheeks.

"I don't get it, Jack," he whispered, his face millimetres apart from his lover. "I don't fuckin' understand none of it."

Jack's fingers brushed lightly along the firm line of his jaw. "You don't need to understand it. You an' me, we got somethin'. It don't matter a damn what it is, 'cos we know it's good. And that's the only thing that matters."

Their lips met again, the kiss this time softer, slower. For once, their hands weren't scrabbling at each other's belts. This moment wasn't about the physical. It was about them being together, as they were meant to be.

And it was at that moment, Ennis Del Mar realised what he had been blind to. It didn't matter how long he had to wait. He would bear it. Because in the end, Jack Twist would come back to him. They wouldn't lose what they had.

It went too deep for that.


End file.
